Archive for December, 2008

Another One

I was thinking about it earlier, and all my buds will be gone again soon. It was nice coming back from college with the Holidays here being able to see everyone, but this is how my friendships in Savannah break down: Jason – He’s going back to his base tomorrow. Michael – He goes back to his base Thursday. Preston – He is in the National Guard and turns active beginning of January and ships out in March. Brandon – He isn’t going anywhere, he isn’t in the military… except he has been talking to the National Guard recruiter recently… so he might be going away too. Those are the only people I hang out with on a regular basis in Savannah… even though I haven’t seen Mike or Jay for a year because they’ve been in the Army for a year and a half now. Luckily I’ve been at Georgia Southern with friends up there, but the problem is I live in Savannah again. At the end of the year, the only person left will be Brandon. Brandon’s one of my “Carmen Boys” so I love hanging out with him, but he’ll be the only person I’ll be hanging out with on a regular basis. I still have friends up in College, but that’s an hour away and I can’t be driving an hour to hang out with people all the time, even though I do plan on making it up to Statesboro a knucklefull of times next year, until everyone I know graduates in May so then I’ll have no one left from College. I have a few friends from Atlanta, and I will actually be going up there for about a week in early/mid January, but I definitely cannot be going to Atlanta all the time. That’s the kind of distance you do 2 or 3 times a year, and especially if I get a job in Savannah, that limits my “visit Statesboro or Atlanta” time. As for jobs, that’s another thing. I really want to get on with the federal government, so I’m ready to take a job anywhere, even though I’ve psyched myself up for the Census Bureau, which is federal, and I can do that locally for Savannah. I hope I get a job with them. If not, well until Obama gets in office, I’ve already looked and there’s really nothing for me at the Federal level outside of that, so I’ll probably wind up with a local Savannah job anyway. However, I am still going to take the State Department test for Foreign Service in February. Oh, the whole point of this job ramble is, what if I find a good job outside of Savannah? I think I would have to take it, and unless it was in Atlanta where I know some people… I would have NO friends and have to meet new people, which isn’t hard to do, I did it in College, but it’s always rough starting from scratch. As I see things right now though, I’ll be getting a job in Savannah, and the only friend I’ll have is Brandon. And that’s nothing to complain about, but I like a variety with my friends. It’s also just really hard when people you consider your best friends aren’t around anymore. Though there are the potential work friends. When I get a job, maybe I’ll meet some cool people that will want to hang out.

A new job. Not only am I looking forward to meeting new people, but perhaps meeting some girls too. I am really trying to put off the bar/club dating thing for as long as I can, because as I mentioned, that shits just not for me. And if I want to be dating right now, which I think I do, I figured recently that it will have to wait until I can see if there’s anything at future jobs. I was thinking of people I went to High School with, before I went off to college, thinking about maybe trying to hook up with any of them. Of all the girls who still live in Savannah, I found out they are either married, or they are girls that I’m not interested in. The only girl that is single that I liked back in the day and isn’t off at College themselves right now, I was asking a friend of mine that hangs out with her sometimes, what her story was. Apparently she’s always bumming money from people and is always moving around, and I can’t be with a person like that. I can’t support a charity case. So that just leaves any girls I might meet at future job, and if there’s nothing to be found at future job… well maybe I’ll wait to see who comes back to Savannah this summer, from College, before I try the random dating thing. But the thing is, can I wait that long? I’m not necessarily looking for “the one,” right now, but I’m sick of being lonely. It’s partly my fault though. Like I said I can’t do the random dating thing, but maybe I’ll have to get over that. We’ll see.

P.S. looks like I might be back to unnecessarily long entries. I’m wordy though, and I don’t know why. It’s not a good quality, but it’s just the way I am. I feel like I have to explain every detail over something before I feel I’ve gotten my point across. It might have something to do with my failsafe mechanism I mentioned at one point in this journal. But I’m glad I’m like this, kind of. It helps me figure myself out, because of my nature of explaining things and approaching things from all angles, I do the same thing to myself, I come at myself from all angles. Also I’m sore because the last two nights I slept on my friends couch. Never again. I need a BED.

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December 28, 2008 at 1:35 am Leave a comment

Break Nearly Over

It’s really been a week since my last entry? I believe it, what with Christmas, graduation wrapups, buddy Mike being in town, all that jazz. But my “vacation” is nearly over. I’ve already applied to some jobs, but haven’t heard anything. I don’t know if it’s because of the holidays or if they simply don’t want me. I am going to apply to the Census Bureau on Monday. Hopefully, they will hire me. But enough about thinking about work. I have to relish these last couple of weeks. Yes, I actually have a couple weeks of what I deem vacation left. It’s just my friend Mike leaves in less than a week and when he does, there won’t be as much to do. Well, there will, but it won’t be as fun. As far as graduation and Christmas, I did okay for myself. Nothing uberawesome, though. I was going to get an iPod Touch but ultimately decided against it. But maybe… I still will. Not sure.

I’ve gone out drinking quite a bit, more than I like to, especially with my bad liver and all. But I’ll sacrifice my health to hang out with my buds who I don’t get to see except around the Holidays. With going out, I’ve seen girls out there, but I think that I just can’t do that shit. I can’t go up to someone completely random and move straight in for a date and/or sex. I just, I am incapable of functioning like that. It’s like that Doors song. People are strange when you’re a stranger. I can’t just leap into something. I require baby steps. It’s not that I have to get to know the person first though. I just have had to have talked to the person for a bit first. Maybe a couple days worth of conversations. I don’t know. I just know that I can’t just go pick up some random chick at a bar. And it’s not because I think I’m too good for that or anything, it’s a mentality thing. I’m not a social butterfly. Well, that’s what I’ve been doing all week.

December 27, 2008 at 3:46 pm Leave a comment

A title

I really don’t know what to title this post, and I really don’t even know what to write about. I have started looking around on-line for jobs. I’m looking at the federal level first because I probably won’t get any of those jobs but they are the best ones I could get so I’m looking at them first. I think that ultimately, my job search will be successful, even if I wind up doing something in Savannah. My best friend Mike came into town last night. We all hung out (me, his brothers, and other friends) and we will probably be hanging out every day until he leaves. This is fun times. I wasn’t really thinking about it before, but this is a great way to cap off graduating from college and pre-getting a job. Chillin’ with your best buds. Yea, I don’t know what to say other than I feel good. And I think I’m gonna get a tattoo sometime this month.

December 20, 2008 at 12:33 pm Leave a comment

My luck

It figures, Monday I would come down with a cold of sorts. It’s not that bad but I don’t feel like going out and having fun. The day I planned on “starting” my life, I am sick. Delayed. My luck. But it’s just a cold, and it will go away soon. This shouldn’t stop me from looking for jobs on-line though. But I haven’t been looking. To be honest, I don’t really feel like looking, and I don’t know why. Maybe I don’t want a job? I have to get one though. Maybe I just want to wait a little while longer. That sounds reasonable. Just hold onto my freedom for a few more days…

The other night I was watching A Christmas Carol, you know, the movie with Uncle Scrooge and the Ghost of Christmas Past and all that jazz. While I was laying down, at 3am, watching this movie, I started thinking for some reason: am I depressed or just really lazy? I think I thought this because I don’t ever really feel like doing anything. I don’t feel like looking for a job, I don’t feel like going out to meet girls, I don’t feel like riding my bike everyday like I want to. I just don’t get it. I don’t think I’m depressed though because for the most part I am somewhat content. But can a person really be this lazy, and it just be laziness? Apathy? Is there a medical condition for being this lazy? Because I don’t get it. I just want to lay in bed all day as the world passes me by. Not because I don’t want to have anything to do with the world… it’s just that, well that requires doing stuff :\ . I don’t know… Maybe it’s just my procrastinating nature. I always put things off until the last minute. But what’s the “last minute” for this stuff? Well I do need to see my prosthetics guy before I come off my parents insurance at the end of the year, so the last minute for that is already rapidly approaching. But what about other stuff. Job? I guess when my parents start bitching at me? What about a girlfriend? When’s the last minute for that? I don’t think there is. Nobody gets mad at you for being single. And you can’t go your whole life with being single until you die. The problem is, I don’t know when I’m gonna die, so where does that put this last minute? Maybe I’ll be relationshipless forever.

December 17, 2008 at 11:00 am Leave a comment

Of guys, girls, and graduations.

Well, I graduated yesterday (friday), and my grades were posted today (saturday), and I passed everything, and I did the ceremony, so that’s that. I’m graduated. I’m still in shock I think because I don’t really feel any different. I’ve been going to school for 17 years so I’m not used to this. The full effect might not even hit me until April when my body goes, “hey… this is too long for a summer break.” I’m going to start looking for jobs on Monday. I don’t know for what though… I’m really open to everything right now, but I’d prefer some kind of local, state, or federal government job. As a history major, maybe any kind of job that involves research, or maybe even museum work. With a writing minor, maybe some kind of editing or proofreading kind of job. I want to start writing my book too. I have the time for once! That’s the biggest thing. All of this free time. I can read for pleasure… all sorts of stuff. It’s gonna be weird.

And then there’s the girl department. I talked to her again. I had decided recently that I just want to be friends. Well, not really that that was like, my decision. I figured she probably pretty much wanted the same thing. I know she’s better for me as a friend anyway. I kind of always knew that, but she’s just so kickass in so many ways that I couldn’t help myself. But it’s good now. We are friends and I like that. Best friends even… and that’s good because I think one thing I’ve really missed out on in my whole life is that girl who you are really close to. As a guy, I have lots of guy friends, and a few really close guy friends that I can talk about with anything. But those are guys. I’ve never really had that friend that I could do the same things with but was a girl, and get the girl perspective on things. Now I’ve had friends that are girls, and still do even, but not best friends. And this probably sounds gay, but, well, my 3 best guy friends who are all brothers, I’m an only child and I think of them as my brothers, because they are the closest things I’ve ever had to them. And the feeling is mutual, which is really nice. I mean these are guys who know so much about me and the fact that they still stomach me is great. And so now there’s this girl. And maybe I consider her as a sister. She knows a lot about me, definitely more than any other girl does. Not as much as the Carmen Boys do, but maybe one day. And I know a lot about her. In hindsight, I think maybe I just wanted a girl that I could connect with on this level, and maybe that’s all I wanted all along with her. But I don’t want to place too much emphasis on her gender. She really is one of the coolest people I’ve ever met, guy or girl.

I’m not anywhere near as weird as I think I am. I have lots of guy friends outside of my Carmen Boys, but I don’t connect with them on that level. That’s not really something guys do. You could be good friends with a guy for a long time and still not know a lot about him personally. Like my friends who came down for graduation this past weekend and stayed with me. I might even try to live with some of these guys if I get a job in Atlanta, but they aren’t my “brothers.” Getting back to how I opened this paragraph, I have a really normal social life, and really always have. These guys who are just my friends, they like hanging out with me, and I like hanging out with them, but there just isn’t that deeper connection. And so that’s where I am with this girl. I’ve had friends that are girls before, and like really good friends that were girls, but none that I ever connected with like this. And maybe that’s what got me. I didn’t know what to do. But I found out that there was a best friend inside of this girl. I thought maybe I was supposed to be looking for something else, but there it was. Best friends are really hard to come by, and I’m glad I have a new one.

Now, as for where that leaves me in terms of relationships, I’m in Savannah now, as an adult. The whole world is open to me, so I’ll just see where it goes. Starting Monday, after the graduation party tomorrow (Sunday), is over with. Because I still feel like with the ceremonies going on, my graduation isn’t completely done with. And then I start the rest of my life.

December 14, 2008 at 1:04 am Leave a comment

Two Days, Today

I’m one final down. I can go look at the grad posted on the classroom door if I wanted, but I’m not going to go out of my way when I’ll be in that building tomorrow anyway. I’m sure I did fine. I also talked to my professor about my paper. He said it was one of the best papers in the class and said aside from little grammar stuff, there were no changes I needed to do. That made me feel good. It was something I needed to hear in this crazy week. I got my cap and gown today. It’s really happening.

I just have my last final tomorrow. I have a C in the class so I need to make at least a C on the final. I’m sure I will, but you never know. There’s a study group tonight that I’m going to try to go to. I’m also probably going to pull an allnighter. I woke up at 1:30 pm today after, 14 hours of sleep. That was from pulling an allnighter the other night. Suffice to say, I feel rested. My friend Will who did an internship this semester graduates Friday too, and he comes into town tonight. It will be good to see him. That’s another reason I’m doing the allnighter. I have to hang out with my bro’ so I can’t be stuck in a book.

So that’s that. This is probably the last thing I have to say to myself about school. I’m not declaring myself officially done until after I walk and I know all my grades. After tomorrow I can really stop stressing, because the graduation ceremony is nothing but attendance. That’s all I have to say about that.

December 10, 2008 at 5:31 pm Leave a comment

I have no idea what I’m doing

I don’t know where I’m gonna be going with my life exactly, and that scared me before, as indicated by some of my earlier entries. But I realized that that’s not necessarily a bad thing. And besides, you can start a sentence with a conjunction. That wasn’t the point I wanted to make but I made it anyway. What I was going to say was that, if I am going to try and take more risks, I shouldn’t try to plan things out anyway. That’s not to say I don’t care about getting a job or anything like that, but I’m just gonna take things as they come. I’ve always done that, but… that was for less serious stuff. I’m 22 now and I’m a grown man. If I see something that I want, I have to go for it. If I can’t get it, then I just need to move on. Right now there’s something that I want but I can’t get it, and I think I’m okay with that.

I’m wearing a flannel-ish shirt right now. I say flannel-ish because it’s not flannel by my standards, but it’s the only thing Wal-Mart had. I’ve always wanted a flannel shirt. Correction, I’ve always wanted flannel shirts. I’ve always kind have wanted to make that my “thing.” I’m taking it on a test drive now.

I haven’t started any of my finals yet, but I have one in 5 hours. I’m sure I’ll ace it, even though I haven’t studied much. It’s the class I’m doing the best in anyway, so I’m not too worried. If I’m weak on this test, my other grades in the class can back me up. I got my research paper back today too, but wasn’t able to talk to the professor. He seemed to like it, but it looks like if I don’t try to make any corrections to it I’ll get a C in the class. “C’s get degrees” is what they say but I like to think of myself as better than that. I want to try to talk to him tomorrow (today-I haven’t gone to bed and didn’t plan on it). But I don’t think I’ll have to do too much work on it, so I’m looking at a C, B, or even an A, depending on how I tidy up this paper. It really all depends on if I’m able to talk to my professor, I can’t read half of his notes. That just leaves World War II. God damn that war! It’s not my fault the pacific theater blows ass. Basically WW2 is the only class I’ve worried about all semester. I should pass the class as long as I pass the final though. Thank God that final is on Thursday. And then I graduate Friday, and then that is that.

That makes it sound like I know what I’m doing right? Well that’s all short term stuff I HAVE to get done, and it’s all school related which I consider part of my “youth” life. As I said, I’m a grown man now, with grown man stuff to do. Well, Friday I will be. But that’s close enough that I can start calling myself a grown man. I actually quite like that phrase: grown man.

Right now I’m wearing a flannel shirt, tucked into my jeans. A couple of weeks ago I could be seen wearing beige Dickies and Nirvana shirts. It’s amazing how clothing can reflect your mood. I’ve gone from a scared teenager to a adult. I like that too-adult. Adult. I’m an adult. This used to scare me, but not anymore. Maybe the reality hasn’t sunk it. Before, like last week, when I was thinking about it, I was scared shitless. But then I realized, this is just the next chapter. I haven’t started a next chapter in a long, long time. So I’m ready to embrace it. To me, Elementary, Middle, High School, and even College were the same chapter, looking back. I’m ready for change. What does my future hold? I can’t wait to see.

The biggest thing I think I’m dealing with right now, outside of this immediate graduation razzmatazz, is that I’ve only had one big disappointment so far. But the thing is, should I consider that disappointment the last of my youth, or the first of my adulthood? I would feel better if I considered it the last of my youth, so maybe I should. At the same time, I feel like if I do that, I am putting something behind me that I don’t know if I want to put behind. It’s probably best if I put it behind me. I technically have the rest of the week left, so I’ll see.

But don’t people always complain about problems from their childhood following them into their adult life? Maybe this might be one of those things. And maybe it won’t be so bad if it does turn its head up.

Lastly, I vaguely remember saying I would try to post to this, my memory bank of sorts, every day. I haven’t and it’s an unrealistic notion. Even after I get this last week of school out of the way, it would be unrealistic. I’m not trying to keep a diary here. I’m trying to figure myself out. I don’t figure myself out everyday.

December 9, 2008 at 5:00 am Leave a comment

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